An Anonymous Submission!

so now what? I find a website that lets me tell my story, the same story a thousand other people have lived, and I am sure, posted. Why? Because we hope for some divine intervention, that will come like a Valkire from the sky and solve it all, without having to really work for it. I drink. I know I do. I have 4 to 5 drinks each and every night. But mind you, I am a very functional member of society. I work, my house is clean, the laundry always done, every night a home cooked meal. I never slur my speech and I hide it all very well. But I drink. I go to the gym and run a 5K with ease. So, it is proof to me that I am not an alcoholic. But I know I am. I come home, and each and every evening, I tell myself, tonight, I wont have a drink. But I have just one, well, maybe two,,,okay today was rough, so three or four. I am not drunk, but a nice little buzz, just loud enough for me to hear. I get up in the morning, and my body tells me I drank the night before. I work in healthcare no less. I see the drunks, I see the ones that check themselves into rehab. I have run their blood alcohol levels, I have loudly passed judgement on them! I have a good reason for drinking, which I know, is not a reason nor an excuse, but nothing more than a veil I can pull over society's eyes should I ever have to fess up. So, I type these words while I just refilled my glass with a Chardonay. Oh, I don't drink cheap booze, I am too good for that. Only the good stuff. Kettle One Vodka. I make my own Cosmo's and Vodka and tonic. A bottle of Kettle one barely makes it through the week. But then suddenly I have a taste for something different. Right now, I am slugging down Jose Cuervo Margerita Gold mix. About a small bottle every two days. And if I choose wine, then it is a light Beaujolais Nouveau and I drink the bottle in one night. It is so subtle, I have been getting away with it so easily. But I know, being in the medical field, I am killing my liver, just a little slower than the regular fully visible drinker. So how do I stop? I want to but I can't. Each day, when I drive home from the gym, I promise myself. I have done something good for my body and myself, now lets keep it up. And each night, I end up with a drink in my hand. Hidden from the eyes of the world, clear and obvious to my inner eye and my mind, that refuses to totally succomb to the lies. My mind and soul know, this is wrong. But the hands fill the glass, the tongue tastes it and the brain likes it. Oh heaven help me.